Open Question: first draft of the beginning of my novel (not even the whole first chapter though). Opinions?

Posted: July 3rd, 2009 ˑ Filled under: fcukin, Hot, Inane, Internet, Web ˑ  Comments Closed
I know Jocie seems like a bitch here, but as the sotry progresses, she gets better. Opinions? What should I change? The first time I stepped through those French doors of The Mauve Spot, on the starting day of my new career as a waitress, I was proud. Everything around me smelled, tasted, and felt like a fresh new start on life. After that first week, it became a regular thing. I no longer used my senses to describe a “fresh, new start”, but used them to describe “same old, same old”. I miss those days. It’s not that I hate my job or that I am bad at it, it’s mainly because there are so many other places I’d rather be. I actually love serving those kind people that come by every so often—you know, the ones that tip a little extra and don’t complain. It’s the unsatisfied, rude costumers that I loathe, who fight with you when you are just doing your job. I couldn’t count the amount of times I’ve had trouble with one of those costumers. I can’t stand them. Ever since those first, obligatory jackasses I ever dealt with, they have become my biggest pet peeve. Sometimes I just snap at them because I’m so irritated. I’m the worst if I’m already having a bad day. I know this is a problem, and the manager has had to consult me about it a few times, but I say: If someone deserves it, it should be given to them. “Did you enjoy your meal, sir?” I asked the man whom I was serving. He raised his eyebrows and replied, “Meh. It was fine.” He looked disappointed, which was strange because he had scarfed it all down and he had ordered two of the same thing. He had placed his money down. It was a messy pile of bills. The guy sighed a deeply annoyed sigh when I began to count aloud. The total only came up to twenty-five dollars and fifty cents. He was missing two dollars. I smiled my sweet, waitressy smile. “This is only $25.50.” He groaned exaggeratingly and slammed down two more bills. I faked a smile again and put them into my hands. The man had just began to get up when I realized he had forgotten to give me a tip. “Excuse me, you forgot to tip me,” I informed him of his mistake. He groaned again. What was with him. “You aren’t getting one, pretty girl. Now can I go?” he puffed. This man suddenly reminded me of gluttonous, brute pig. “OK, I’m sorry, are you kidding?” I was starting to use my pissed-off voice. He just rolled his eyes at me. “Or do I have to stick my foot up your ass?” I continued, not regretting what I had just said at all. “You-you have to tip.” He scowled at me. “What did you just say?” he growled. “I think you heard what I said.” I breathed in, attempting to cool myself down. “Just give me the tip and you can leave without a problem.” I haven't even read it over yet. :O i like doing that after i get some feedback. I know I didn't put a ? after "What was with him" accident. i'm fixing the beginning. kinda messed up .:O Jocie has been my biggest problem. I have story perfectly planned out, but she comes off as a jerk. I'm going to have this kind of scene in some other situation with when she yells at someone, but someone who really, REALLY deserves it. I was gonna write two versions of the beginning. One where she fights with a customer and the other where she hates "slow days" at her work. She leads an elderly couple to their seats. When she gets back to the greeting table, her friend comes through the door who's been on vacation... That would make her seem like a better person, not like someone who get pissed off easily. i even hate people like that. :p I felt like it was alright to post it. I read it over, thought it was fine, and posted it. I just didn't really d o my usual editing process : read it over twice, use a thesaurus on weak words, and change what ever I felt needed to be. I just wanted to see what people thought about it, and what they thought i needed to change.
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